really, really impactful weekend.

saturday, i had a full day of domestic violence advocacy training. we talked about the legal process, about women hitting brick walls in the legal system after being raped, beaten, rufied, tortured. it was shattering, but luckily followed up by real, practical ways to help survivors, and the ways in which we, as advocates, are so essential to the system.

this empowering workshop was combined with a moment of clarity, a light bulb moment if ever there was one. i figured out what i want to do with my life. i have been surrounded by advocacy volunteers for the past couple of weeks, inspiring, dedicated people. there will always be people with beautiful hearts giving themselves to the cause. what i would like to do is get into the development section of non-profits. so many presenters have mentioned in passing how they wish they had more money and resources, and i think my skills would be well-suited towards non-profit fundraising and resource development. i’m going back to school, so i am starting talks with different organizations to see what paths i should take.

the portland aids walk was sunday. it continued a weekend full of inspiration. having ten thousand people together in one place, bowing for a moment of silence, eyes watering during some speeches, clapping thunderously during others. to see such solidarity was breath-taking. and then walking, proceeding, conversing with strangers … it made my heart full.

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saturday night, i went on a date to see pineapple express. i spent two hours laughing hysterically, laughing like i hadn’t laughed since those final goodbye days in new york. drinking a pbr–portland’s pub theater culture is one of my favorite perks of the city–eating a slice, and enjoying brilliantly mindless entertainment was so wonderful, especially after a day of assault training.

last night, after the walk and some beers at a bar, i went back to the theater and saw tropic thunder. it wasn’t quite the same tickle to the funny bone, but it still had moments that made me laugh straight from the gut. it was huge, ridiculous, explosive, and mostly successful in its aims. (also, any movie that makes me like tom cruise is a win. so basically this and magnolia.)

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i missed laughing. i missed crying for good reasons. i missed inspiration. and i enjoy it so much that there’s no going back. i don’t have it in me to harbor anything towards anyone. we’ve all done each other wrong, we’ve all fucked up, we’ve all apologized. but how we choose to move on from it affects us so greatly. i’ve realized i can’t affect how other people feel or what they think of me, i can’t force amends. i can heal, and extend a hand, and hope. and i can have peace of mind under any circumstances, because my problems are so small juxtaposed against the big picture.