I was working the other night, and this extremely obnoxious woman came in to the store. She was talking on her cell phone loudly, and she yelled out her order to me as I was helping the lady in front of her. As shortly as possible, I said to her, “Please hold on.” I finish the transaction ahead of he and before I can even say “hi” to her to show that I was ready, she gives me her order again and starts talking on the phone again. I gave her the death stare for a few seconds before going to fix her drink and she continues her conversation. Obviously, she was talking to a baby for five minutes because she goes “Hi! Hi! Hi! Hi baby! Put Miss __ on the phone, will you? Put Miss __ on the phone! Ok! Bye! Bye! See you! Bye!”

I swear to you, it was ten times more annoying than it reads.

So she starts talking to this lady, whoever her friend is, and she’s screaming her thanks for watching her little girl, but then it got a little interesting. She goes “Oh! My! God! Guess what? GUESS WHAT? [I’m totally not exaggerating how annoying her speech was, by the way. Not at all.] Oh my God, I was at that event the other night and you are going to SHIT! Guess who gave me his number! No, guess! Guess! [I was going to fucking guess at this point.] It was…”

Suddenly, she starting talking in that quiet voice. You know, that quiet voice that isn’t really quiet at all. The one people next door can hear, but that is employed to show some sense of secrecy that one does really care exists anyway.

“It was…Colin Farrell.”

I rolled my eyes, thinking “Right, lady. Colin Farrell gave you his number. He’s really that desperate.”

“I swear! To! God!” she whispered. And yes, she proved that you could use the faux whisper and still give every word an exclamatory tone. “I’m SERIOUS. He gave me his number, I’ll totally show you the piece of paper! He told me not to tell anyone, though. It’s totally confidential. Yeah, is that CRAZY or what? He said, ‘Tatum…’”

Ok, this is where I stop listening to what Colin says and look at the lady’s face.

Tatum O’Neal. This crazy, obnoxious, nutjob–and this is my opinion, save the lawsuits–was Tatum O’Neal. Former child Oscar winner, current has-been and Dancing with the Stars failure. As I looked at her face, it was unmistakable.

Anyway, as I zoned back in to her conversation and brought her her drink, I heard her say that she wanted to meet up with him.

So, what do you think? Colin Farrell-Tatum O’Neal sex tape? What would be more annoying, her loud mouth or the disappointing size of his manhood? Just wear a rubber this time, Colin. You definitely don’t want to risk a kid with that one.

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To counteract that negative encounter, I will share that Holly Hunter was also in my store a week ago, and she was the nicest, most gracious woman. Short, sweet, and Southern as hell. Loved her.