I passed out at the doctor’s office. I think I’m pregnant now.

But really, I did pass out. I hit my head on the wall. Yee-ouch. So, I got my physical results back–glucose, cholesterol, HIV, syphilis, et cetera–and all signs are good. Wow. Glad to know the couple times I had unsafe sex when I was sixteen and stupid didn’t come back to haunt me almost four years later. I never got tested, which is stupid, but now I can start over again as a smarter, more responsible young man.

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Speaking of starting over, if you will, has anyone seen the daytime TV show Starting Over? It’s like crack. That lady Iyanla is crazy. Like a poor man’s Oprah. If you’ve seen it, you know what I’m saying.

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I had a fight with an old lady on the subway today. I turned the page on my newspaper and she looked at me like “How dare you?” and I looked back like “Excuse me, what are you looking at?” and she said “Watch your paper, asshole.” and I said “It was nowhere near you. Shut the fuck up, you old hag.” Luckily, my stop was next, so I didn’t have to bear the awkward silence.

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Bush is bringing a fucking fight with this Supreme Court choice. I have a sinking feeling he’s going to win it.