This middle-aged Middle Eastern man ran up to the subway car I was sitting in the other day and plopped down across from me. I was wondering why he ran to the car since it was in the middle of the train and none of the other cars were particularly full. In fact, it was an off-peak hour, and they were all pretty empty.

I would soon find out why.

So, a few stops in, as my eyes do the subway wander–where they pass over everyone every few minutes–and I notice his–well, package–is prominent. Major VPL going on here (that would be Visible Penis Line, for those of you not familiar with the jargon). And, as I start to look away from this obscene display, he starts to rub it. And I think, okay, he’s adjusting.

But, no. He keeps touching himself.

So, this fascinating display is something that my eyes keep coming back to, like a train wreck. Not for a prolonged period of time, of course. That would be…rude. Almost as rude as fondling yourself in public.

So, he stands to get off the train in that period of time where it’s almost at the station. And he saunters towards me, which would make sense seeing as the doors opened on my side at this station. And…

And…

He starts RUBBING HIS PENIS ON MY KNEE.

I was shocked to the point that it took a few, shall we say, swipes for me to understand my poor kneecap was being taken advantage of. So I shoot a dirty look up at him, and he moves over towards the door.

And, in perfect timing–clearly he timed this out in his head–in the second before the door opens and he walks out–he swipes his cock on my shoulder leaning against the siderail. Before I registered that completely unexpected appendix to the situation (What a double meaning that has, huh?), he was gone. What could I do? Scream “Stop that penis swiper!”? Pull the emergency cord to stop the train? There wasn’t really anything to be done except sit in bemusement.

Only in New York, kids.

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PS - You think your smoking habit is bad? I think this lady has you beat.