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My heart hurts so much right now. I couldn’t have a worse stretch of days if I purposefully went out of my way to feel bad. As I left the Apple store, someone asked me where Spring Street was. My mind stopped and I burst into tears. Yes, welcome to New York. We are crazy. Or maybe I’m just speaking for myself. I have no friends in this city. I scroll through my phone list, and I can’t find anyone I can call to just let out all my troubles and this sadness. And as I walked through a crowded SoHo street on a Friday evening, moving at a sluggish pace because the crowd is so insanely dense, and then juxtaposed that mass to the number of friends I have left, I wanted to lay in the street and let the cold take my breath away. Work’s not going well. I’m unhappy, and although it’s going to change in a month, I dread every minute of work. This is a feeling I’ve never had before. I worry a lot about my mom. She’s always so stressed and sad when I call. I just want to go home and cry for hours and have her hold me. I worry about my sister, who I haven’t talked to in a year. I left her an IM for her birthday to tell her I love her. Isn’t that sad? Sad that pride prevents two people from making the first move when the blow-up isn’t over anything at all? Two people who have went through hell and back together. Three or four times over. (i love you so much and I don’t know how to fix it) I’m tired of being lonely. I’m tired of isolation. I don’t know how to escape this hell that is my life today. It really hurts. It really does. My eyes burn. I can’t even really say anything else. I’m so alone. And so empty. And it hurts so bad. filed under: misc | comments: Leave a commentLine and paragraph breaks automatic, e-mail address never displayed, HTML allowed:
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Hi Scott, I am so sorry that you are feeling so miserable, but it will be better soon; I promise. Yes, you need to call your family immediately. Wish them all a Happy New Year. Of course, you have friends, I have been reading your website since before you moved to New York, and I know that you are a very special young man. Very special! If I know that from Wisconsin, there are many people who know that right there in New York City!! Please cheer up, young man. Your friend, Jerry
Comment by Jerry Hanson — December 30, 2005 @ 11:36 pm
I know how you feel with the lonely and not knowing many or anyone where you live. Its a terrible feeling and i hope it changes for you even though things don’t seem to change for you.
I hope your mom isn’t so sad anymore. I know whats its like having your mom sad. Even though i don’t know if its the same reason. But yeah.
Sorry for the random comment i was just lurking lj and stumbled on here. I added you by the way, hope you don’t mind.
I hope you aren’t so lonely anymore, because it sucks a lot.
Comment by Chris — December 31, 2005 @ 1:44 am
Scott, I don’t really have much wisdom to impart as I pretty much feel the same isolation here in Ohio. So I’ll just leave you with a *BIG HUG* p.s. Step up and call your sister!
Comment by Randy Michael — December 31, 2005 @ 2:32 am
You’re not alone. I can’t stand winter holidays. It’s too easy to drop into a depressed vegetative state. Days are a blur of familiar routine, eat/sleep/work/repeat. Break whatever routine you’re in. Take a different route to work, go someplace new. If you make lists of things to do and never seem to get them done, pick the ONE item off the list that you have been avoiding and do it. Don’t go into mental gymnastics, taking action is the key. And yeah, pick up the phone and call your mom and sis. Do it for them of course, but the real benefits are all yours.
Comment by Jace — December 31, 2005 @ 4:21 am
Nobody can type anything to make you feel better.I’m sure you know you will feel better. It’s very hard getting down sometime it just happens but things will get better.
Comment by Jeremy — December 31, 2005 @ 10:00 am
Prozac!
Comment by jack — December 31, 2005 @ 12:19 pm
Please feel better, Scott. Jerry
Comment by Jerry Hanson — December 31, 2005 @ 4:48 pm
Man-up Dawg,
This ain’t the first time you felt like this, and it probably won’t be the last. ENJOY AND SAVOR these feelings. It means YOU are alive. The good times WILL come I PROMISE. Just as well as more Bad, ..Always remember, I am there for you, and so are, from what I can see, many others…take care bro, and Happy New Year!!!
Comment by Franko — December 31, 2005 @ 5:33 pm
P.S. Your as cute as a button…
Comment by Franko — December 31, 2005 @ 5:34 pm
Im sorry, I wish I could just talk to you or something anything that make you feel better I mean you dont know who the fuck I am but this no one could help herself from letting you know there is people who cares.
I saw you post on lj.
Comment by Kay — January 1, 2006 @ 12:13 am
if it makes you feel better, you’re the ONLY person i know in NYC
Comment by Veronica Fisher — January 1, 2006 @ 2:56 am
if i were a down-low papi you could call me whenever you want.
Comment by trst — January 1, 2006 @ 5:22 pm
bunny …
i’m the same way around this time every year. and then i remember that the days will grow longer. and the sun will beat on me. and i push myself to go on. and it all works out.
sometimes your writing make me feel like you’re the little brother that my parents must have given away for adoption when i wasn’t looking. but you’re neither blue-eyed nor blonde so the possibility is slim. unless mom slept around. but she’s a rascist so that wouldn’t explain much. (which was totally for humor’s/cheer-up-miss-thang’s sake and shame on me for making a joke at my mom’s expense)
Comment by manhattan offender — January 3, 2006 @ 3:16 pm
What on earth are you talking about? No one’s blowing up and being prideful. You moved to NYC and you never called after a certain point. The reality is that I helped raised you and you’re damn right I miss you. After a point I just left you alone and hoped that one day you’d call again. I’m sure that both of our feelings have been hurt along the way, but no one has the power to hurt you like that if you don’t love them like that.
I was never the one blessed with the gift of expressive speech, so I hope that the above has made sense. Every day and each moment is our own and we have the power to do what we want with them. If you want to call, then call. If you want to IM, then IM. No one’s alone when they are alone together.
There’s nothing to fix, just say hello sometime. I’m tiring of only hearing about you from mom - you know we could never tell her the whole truth without her putting a spin on it, so I never know what to believe lol.
I’m babbling over my first cup of coffee, so I’m a bit groggy. I never checked out this site before and I’m sorry for that, but I just haven’t had the time or a house for a while there. For your bday, I’ll give you a free pass to call without worrying about the reprecussions - though if you call after 9pm, we can talk longer
Comment by Sara — January 12, 2006 @ 12:26 pm